Ask Heather text

Need help planning your wedding?

For advice on all aspects of weddings, wether they are traditional, modern or casual, let Heather help!

Heather's 15 years of experience in the bridal market makes her an expert in wedding etiquette, budgets, gift registries, ceremonies, receptions and more.

Email your question and, within 5 working days, Heather will post her answer. Check the category listings for her answers.

The Ceremony :

A: I am not yet planning on getting married. I do not even have a girl friend, yet. I would just like to get all the planning and the paper work done in advance so that when I do get married that I will have all the planning done, so that there wont be as much to do. My question is this, what information do I need to start to plan and what papers do I need?

Q: My goodness you're quite the organized one.

I must tell you that I don't think there are many women out there looking for a boyfriend with a pre-arranged wedding plan ready to be put into motion the moment he meets a potential Ms.Right. For most girls this is something they've dreamed of planning their whole lives. If, however, you want to know what wedding planning is all about, I suggest you look at the online wedding planner on this site.

Good luck,

Heather

Q: Dear Heather: Hello, I hope you can help me with my question. My fiancé is catholic and I am not, I was baptized to choose my own religion. If I am not catholic, can we still get married? Tracey

A: Congratulations and thank you for your question.

Of course you can get married, couples of different faiths marry all the time. If, however, you wish to be married by a priest in a catholic church you will need to discuss the matter with the priest who will officiate. Requirements can vary somewhat from parish to parish and may require you to take a course about catholic views of marriage – these courses vary in length and formality. If this is not an issue, then you have nothing whatsoever to worry about. Still, I think you should discuss with your fiancé how you will both approach religion and religious duties once you are married, including the religious affiliation of your children, should you plan to raise a family.

Best Wishes.

Heather Boswell

Q: Hello I was wondering about resorts/inn in the Ottawa region where they will pretty much organize a wedding ceremony for you...Thanks!

A: Hello and thanks for your question.

Many local inns come to mind immediately.... please go to the Bridal Fair floorplan at www.OttawaBridalFair.com and look at the categories "Catering-Churches/Clubs and Catering-Hotels/Restaurants and Catering".

These locations offer expert advice for planning your event at their location. You can look at the packages they offer include "the works" and some specialize in certain details you perhaps hadn't thought of...like a horse drawn carriage, guest accommodations, outdoor activities etc.

Best Wishes.

Heather

Q: Hi, Both my parents have passed away, one five years ago and the other four months ago. Do I mention them on my wedding invitation and, if I do, how would you word it? Thanks

A: Congratulations and thank you for your question.

While some people think that a wedding invitation should not be a reminder of the sad passing of loved ones I have to say that I feel very strongly that omitting deceased parents names would be shameful. It is important however, to word it appropriately.

I was once invited to a bridal shower for which the invitation named the sisters and deceased mother of the bride as co-hosts of the party. I found this to be very strange, but this is entirely my personal opinion of course, each individual has the right to do as he/she wishes when it comes to honouring loved ones.".

Rather than the traditional wording:

Mr and Mrs. So and So
invite you to the wedding of their daughter
Mary Jane So and So
to....
You can simply say:

You are invited to the wedding of
Your Name
daughter of
Your Parents Names
To....

Or : Your Name
daughter of
Your Parents Names
and
Groom's Name
son of
His Parents Names
invite you to their wedding....

Your relationship to your parents has not changed. You are still their daughter and they will always be your parents.There are certainly other ways to pay tribute to your parents throughout your special day and I encourage you to discuss some of these ideas with your fiance. But don't exclude their names from your invitation.

Just my opinion.

Best Wishes.

Heather

Q: Dear Heather: My fiancé and I have been engaged for 10 years and we've been together for a total of fourteen years. Should we go through with getting married? Cici

A: Hi,

I think you may have mistaken me for Dr. Phil. I am not a relationship councillor so I am not going there. The only thing I can say is that if you have to ask the question, then you have serious doubts and that's not a good sign. If this is a serious question and you would be willing to base you decision on what I think, then my answer is no, you shouldn't get married. Asking a complete stranger who has an on-line wedding planning advice column if you should or shouldn't marry your fiance is pretty close to flipping a coin.

Heather

Q: My fiance and I have been together for fourteen years. We would really like to get married but our cash flow just isn't the best. Do you have any suggestions?

Thanking You,
Tracey & Stéphane

A: Congratulations and thank you for your question.

There are so many options available for any budget when it comes to planning a wedding. I would suggest you look at what is available to you as far as venues. Many offer a complete package including location for both ceremony and reception, catering, flowers, accommodation...the works.

If you really want to save money consider a cottage or backyard wedding. I have been to many and they were all lovely. You can get very creative with your outdoor decor and guests love a more casual affair such as a BBQ or afternoon garden party.

You should also consider talking to a wedding planner. Yes, they charge a fee, but by helping to save in other areas you would probably still end up saving money. A planner would have creative ideas to suit your budget and the contacts in the industry to meet your needs.

Some of the most beautiful and memorable weddings I have attended were held at a cottage or in a back garden. At one, the couple made their own wine and had a family friend coordinate the food.

Best wishes and happy planning.

Q: How long in advance we should start planning our wedding?

A: Thanks for your inquiry and I'll be just as succinct as you were with your question. As soon as possible.

It's always good planning to get a jump on thing and to have the luxury of extra time. Visit the Bridal Fair Show (January 14th and 15th at the Ottawa Congress Centre) so you can see all the options that are available. Talk to representatives and start your preliminary outline right away. Do consult the Bridal Fair on-line planning guide to direct you in terms of CONFIRMING various services. Some services book up more quickly than others so require immediate attention in order for you to proceed with other details.

Happy planning and see you at the Bridal Fair.

Q. Hi Heather: I'm at a crossroad, I want my step-dad to walk me down the aisle, but my biological father thinks that he is walking me. The only thing is that my real dad has not been a real big part of my life. My step-dad has raised since I was 4 and is the only real father figure I know. Also if my real dad does attend where should he be seated at the ceremony and at the reception, keeping in mind my mother can't stand the man.

Thanks for your help,
Colleen in Ottawa

A. Thank you for your question. This is such a common problem and I want to stress to you that you may have to take on the "parent" role with your parents in order to let them know how you "expect" them to behave. What I mean by this is that it is, of course, YOUR decision what you do at your own wedding...as adults they simply must see past their own noses and be happy for YOU!. THEY decided to split up, I'm sure without consulting you, and change the course of your life. It is now your wedding and time for them to tow the line a bit. I am quite passionate about this (I'm sure you can tell) as it was something that I had to deal with at my own wedding. I stressed about it for months but when I finally sat down with my parents, told them what was happening and told them what I expected of them they were wonderful. They realized that they had to do this for me.

So....having said all of that I will ask you...what do YOU want to do? If you want your step dad to walk you down the aisle then he will be the one to do it. Perhaps choose another job for your father. I had my dad walk me down the aisle and my step dad gave the toast to the bride. My father and his wife sat on the bride's side one row behind my mother, her husband and her siblings.

I was determined that MY wedding day would not be the first time they would see each other after so much time had passed so I arranged for my parents to meet me for lunch before the wedding. We discussed everything so there would be no surprises and I must say they really came through for me. They behaved exceptionally well once they realized that that is what I "expected" of them.

Please see the roles of parents in the Eleven Months section on the BridalFair.com website for roles and duties of divorced parents. This may give you some ideas as to how you may include your dad. Bottom line is...it's YOUR decision. Stick with it and don't be afraid to let your parents know that you've lived your life according to their decisions, it's time for them to accommodate yours....with a SMILE!!!

Best Wishes for a beautiful celebration.

Q: Hi Heather, I am in Ottawa and trying to find out where I could get personalized fortune cookies made, with messages that we've come up with ourselves as favours to our guests. Do you know where we might try? Thanks!! Anjali

A: VERY cute idea. I'd suggest checking with the Chinese banquet halls in your city that host Chinese wedding receptions to find out who their supplier is and how to go about personalizing the messages.

Good luck!

Q: I'm at the preliminary stages of planning, and my fiancé and I are looking hard for our perfect reception location. We don't want an ordinary hall; we wanted something different but beautiful. We looked at tents but when we looked into resorts and camps to pitch it- they had so many restrictions. Can you help me come up with good ideas for a reception? Our potential date is June 24, and city location- anywhere from Ottawa to Toronto, Ontario. Our wedding will be rather large - (upwards of 200 people).

Thanks, Laura

A: Anywhere between Ottawa and Toronto eh?.....how about getting married on a white water rafting tour? Just kidding....

There are so many factors to consider when choosing your location. How many guests do you expect? Will they require accommodation in the vicinity? Will you be having your ceremony and reception at the same location? What about the food and beverages? Will you want to bring in a catering company or select a site that also has a restaurant? What if the weather doesn't co-operate?.......the list is endless.

I would suggest speaking with a wedding coordinator about unique location ideas and you will find some listed on this website under “Wedding Services”, Ottawa, Ontario and Gatineau, Quebec. There are many heritage inns, bed & breakfasts and spas in Ontario that specialize in wedding receptions. Also interesting cottage/condo complexes that could be a great getaway for you AND your guests. I think you need to narrow your search a wee bit and check out some of the travel and tourism sites for Ontario for new and different possibilities. I have no doubt you will find something that suits your personalities perfectly and it will be a memorable occasion for you and all your lucky guests.

Good luck!

Q: Hi there, I am getting married in May 2006, and I am having such a hard time deciding on wedding favours. My Aunt and my grandmother are going to make chocolates to be given to the guests, and then I want to use candles as the extra favour, but I am having the hardest time locating nice candles for a decent price. Any help would be great! Thank you, Dallas Ottawa

A: I would first check various dollar stores as candle quality will vary. Also, some big box stores now carry lovely lines of scented candles that could be coordinated with the wedding colours. They are fairly inexpensive and I'm certain could be purchased in bulk.

I also contacted a Party Lite representative and she had a few suggestions. While their products are certainly not "cheap" I believe you do get what you pay for in terms of quality and selection. here's what she had to say :

Most popular is a "tootsie" roll made with different kinds of tealights (say min. 3 - 4 per roll), in colours coordinating with the wedding theme. A more elaborate idea, but very appropriate for a spring wedding, is to make a "flower/lollipop" from tealights, where you use 7 tealights per each "flower". Then it;'s wrapped in cello wrapping with a white stick so it makes it look like a large lollipop. I give it away sometimes as a draw gift and it is always very popular. Alternately, a very elegant gift is two square dinner tapers wrapped in cello. A box of tapers would "serve" as three gifts.

Now, the price. If a bride orders $250 worth of wax/product, this would qualify as a show so she would get approx. $60 in free stuff plus half price item (this would grow with show sales). The average tootsie roll of tealights (3-4) would be approx $3 each, flower approx. $6 and square dinner tapers approx. $7.

Another popular idea is to have a Partylite bridal shower where the bride is a hostess of a Partylite show and:
- her guests buy for themselves and she still uses the credit for herself or
- her guest buy stuff for her as a gift and she still can use the credit to get free stuff or
- the guests are buying gift certificates and turn them over to her so she can spend them on
whatever she wants or
- any mix of the above ideas.

Best wishes,

Heather

Q: My fiancé and I decided to go to Cuba to get married. Friends and family are invited to join us May of 2006. Everyone seems pretty excited about the idea and that makes me a little calmer. But I'm at the point where I don't know what to do, where to book, where to start. We have an idea of what we want, simple, classic and private. But not being able to confirm the dates for the trip is driving me nuts! I like to plan ahead but by booking in Cuba, a year from now, we have to wait for the new price lists to come out. That is my main worry. I also worry about the maiden of honour (which will be my sister, I sort of regret this decision now because she's not in Ottawa, she lives in Montreal and she won’t be around to help me out) and the bridesmaid (a very good friend whom I wish I'd pick to be the maid of honour) I am not sure what to ask of them and what I have to pay (dress) and other things.. I am completely lost! Please send some words of wisdom my way.
Chantale

A: Hi,
Congratulations. How exciting that you are planning a destination wedding. This type of celebration is becoming very popular. The planning can be tricky so I contacted a friend who organized her own fabulous destination wedding recently, for some advice. Here’s what she advised.

“The first thing I did was find a good travel agent. I wanted to be sure to find someone who had booked weddings before and who wanted to help me with mine. I found an INCREDIBLE agent who not only knew a lot about booking weddings down south, but she had contact names for wedding coordinators there as well. She really guided me through the best options. Since she knows many of the coordinators who work for the various hotels, and has booked so many, she was able to tell me which resorts had a better reputation than others. She also got me in touch with the wedding coordinator at the resort so we were able to email back and forth and pre-arrange a lot of the details, like wedding time, music, flowers etc and we just confirmed everything once we arrived.

I was in the in the same boat as well in that I wanted to book in advance and send out my invites so my guests had about 10 months to plan and save. My agent had to deal directly with the tour operator in order to get early booking prices and secure a spot. The only problem with this is that tour operators cannot guarantee that the departure and return dates will be exactly the same as what they offer you early…they could change when the “official” timetable is released. In my case, this is exactly what happened. We ended up having to leave and return 1 day early which was fine for the majority, but was a problem for a few.

As for paying for dresses…I did not. I left it as though it was a normal wedding, but I went overboard with the bridal party gifts. I made sure I spent a small fortune and put a lot of thought behind their gifts. Funny..I had the same dilemma with my bridal party with regard to responsibilities. Basically, they do not need to do much once you are down south. And before we left I did everything myself. But that’s the way I am.

Here are a few things I asked my bridal party to help out with: help me wrap all the party favours the night before the wedding; spend the day of the wedding with me and that we all get ready together; pick up the flowers from another spot in the hotel (not a big deal); asked them to make sure the table was properly set (I brought my own table decorations otherwise you’ll end up with tacky carnations and red candles everywhere); they COULD have said a speech if they wanted to but it was not necessary. Another thing I did is I made sure I had really nice wedding favours for the guests who attended the wedding…gave them like a little loot bag full of nice gifts to remember the wedding and the trip and for those who did not attend but did give me a gift, I gave something quite a bit smaller.”

With regard to gifts for members of the bridal party, you may want to browse the Bridal Fair Canada catalogue – not only can you open a wedding gift registry for yourself and your fiancé, but you may also buy gifts yourself for the maid of honour, the bridesmaids, the groomsmen, mothers and fathers, etc. For your travel arrangements, I know that most agents would be more than happy to help a bride plan a beautiful destination wedding and you will find 9 highly reputable ones listed on the Bridal Fair Canada site under “Ottawa Bridal Fair Show”, Exhibitors, Travel. I know that some of them have experience dealing with such early bookings and price confirmations.

Be sure to ask the right questions when contacting travel agents....have they booked travel arrangements for a destination wedding before? Are they familiar with wedding packages offered by various hotels? Have they worked with hotel/destination wedding coordinators before? Is this something they enjoy doing and specialize in or a hassle they'd rather do without? The last thing you need is an agent that sees your booking as a problem, not a pleasure.

Hope this helps. Best wishes and Bon Voyage!

Heather

Q: Hi, I am contemplating getting married in September 2004. I just decided that yesterday , I need to take to the plunge. Don't get me wrong, I love the man I am with it is just that I am so used to having everything under control in my career that the thought of getting married makes me a little panicky. I am not in control in that I don't know where to start to plan. I want something very small, 15 people at the most , because it feels more like me than a big wedding. My main concern is where to start? Churches are booked sometimes years in advance no? Do you know any catholic priests in the east end of Ottawa (Orleans more precisely) that do ceremonies outside. I am catholic but a church ceremony does not jive well with me. Bride to be!

A: Congratulations on your decision. No need to feel out of control. A small wedding sounds perfect for you and there are many elegant and intimate venues in Ottawa that will provide a comfortable atmosphere for your ceremony.

To find someone to perform your service, please refer to the Ottawa Bridal Fair website. We have listings for wedding ceremony officiants who will help you plan your ceremony and will marry you at the location of your choice.

Be sure to visit the Ottawa Bridal Fair, January 10th and 11th at the Ottawa Congress Centre to meet with individuals in person. They will have information on hand for you to take with you and may have photos of other ceremony sites to give you some ideas. A decorator and/or planner will also have suggestions for your location to suit your unique personality and style.

Have fun....you have many exciting decisions to make from many beautiful possibilities.

Heather

Q: My fiancé and I have decided to have a medieval theme wedding, but we are wondering where to start. We are thinking of having the wedding early October 2005. Do have any suggestions of where we should start looking for medieval resources to get the ball rolling? Thanks in advance for your help.

A: Congratulations on your engagement and wedding theme selection. I have seen a medieval wedding and if done well they can be very unique and beautiful. If not done correctly they can turn out tacky and almost circus-like....not your goal I'm sure.

Firstly, you should talk to your decorator about locations (several castle-like buildings here in Ottawa immediately come to mind) and decor ideas. You may also want to consult the local Medieval Society. A web search will probably give you a list of contacts who would be happy to share their fascination with all things medieval.

Your dress, flowers, meal, favours and of course decor should all subtly reflect your theme. You don't want your ceremony and reception to be perceived as anything but serious so avoid a costume party feel by selecting your themed touches very carefully.

Best Wishes for a faerytale wedding!

Heather

Q: Good morning Heather, I was wondering if I should invite the priest who will be performing our wedding ceremony to our reception dinner. We have only met him a few times and feel that it might be awkward to invite him, especially considering that he would be sitting at a table with people who do not speak the same language as he does and that he often forgets our names. However, I don't want to be rude and not invite him since he will be an integral part of our ceremony and I certainly appreciate the fact that he will be marrying us. What is the etiquette here? Thanks for your time. Robin

A: It is usually expected that an invitation be extended to your priest. Certainly he will play an important role in your wedding day. I imagine he has attended many wedding receptions and will not feel uncomfortable sitting with new people. By extending the invitation you allow him the choice to accept or decline.

Best Wishes for a lovely wedding.

Heather

Q: Hi Heather, We are looking to rent a red carpet for the church? Do you know where we can get this? We have been calling all around the region but no luck.

Thank you, Nancy

A: Thank you for your question. I am rather surprised that you have not been able to locate a red carpet. I have been to many weddings that have required a roll out carpet including one that was held at a family cottage where the bride and groom had a carpet covering a wooded path ....it was quite beautiful.

I suggest you go to the Ottawa Bridal Fair site under Reception Services Online and click on Wedding Services/Suppliers. I am quite certain you will find a selection of suppliers who can offer you a variety of carpeting options as well as other decorating ideas for your wedding.

Best Wishes.

Heather

Q: Dear Heather,
My fiancé has a huge extended family and mine is very small. I am concerned that the ceremony and reception will be mostly people who know the groom.

A: Your concern is not unusual. My advice to you would be to discuss with your fiancé the idea of simply inviting immediate family members, aunts and uncles only (no cousins, second cousins etc.) or allow each of you an approximate number of people to invite which includes friends and family members. He may choose to include more family members and you more friends. Either way it sounds like you will have plenty of well-wishers to make for a great celebration!

Q: Hi Heather!
Can you recommend up to 3 reputable wedding planners in the Ottawa area for me? Thank you for your time.
Regards, Gina Ferreira

A: Hi Gina,

Thanks for your question. You are very wise to enlist the assistance of an experienced wedding planner to help make your day perfect.There are so many details to attend to and delegating them to a wedding planner can reduce your stress level significantly.

Most planners offer a range of packages including planning a few basic elements or every minute detail you can think of (or might not remember!)

The Ottawa Bridal Fair list of Exhibitors on this website has a category called "Wedding Coordinators" which contains the name of an experienced wedding planner. I'm sure you will find her exceptional in her professionalism and attention to detail.

Best Wishes for a well planned day!

Guests and Gifts :

Q.
Heather,

Why is considered necessary to have a "public" gift opening event? Personally I find them uncomfortable ordeals to endure, it seems terribly materialistic to have your guests subjected to seeing their gifts compared to the gifts of other guests. My wedding is being planned for January, 2008 and I am planning to omit the entire public gift opening event, we shall do it privately upon return from our honeymoon. When did these gift openings become part of common wedding protocol? Thank you for reading my question.

Shauna

A.
Shauna,

It seems that someone in the past decided to hold such a public gift opening and the event gained somewhat in popularity, but it certainly never became part of wedding protocol. In fact, opening gifts at the wedding reception is outdated and losing in popularity. I fully agree with you that such events have materialistic overtones and are bound to make guests uncomfortable. Your intention to privately open gifts upon your return from our honeymoon is the correct approach, you should have no concern about that. My best wishes,

Heather

Q.

Hi Heather,

my fiancé and I are in our 40's and have everything we need so we really do not want any presents. Is there a tactful way to say "no presents, just cash"? Obviously that's pretty raw but is there an appropriate way to state this on the invitations? Thanks, Sharie

A.
Hello Sharie,

there is no appropriate way to ask for cash instead of gifts. You can ask that guests do not bring gifts or that they give to a charity in lieu of gifts. You can also register for gifts certificates at a store or boutique, but to ask for cash would be rude.

Sincerely,

Heather

Q: Hello Heather, I don't know what the etiquette is for Thank you cards. I had a wedding back in October and January. I went to four different cities and countries for mine so it's a little messy when it comes to writing Thank You cards. Would it be too late to send out thank you cards to my wedding party and guests?
Lisa

A: Absolutely NOT ...it is NEVER too late to extend a thank you. Your guests will appreciate that you took the time to acknowledge them. I think that some brides get overwhelmed and let it go so long that they end up NOT sending out thank you notes at all. Believe me...a sincere thank you a little late is completely acceptable and nobody will fault you for your tardiness. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people remark..."you know, I never got a thank you note from so and so". They may not remember your note but they will definitely remember NOT getting one. Get to it. One or two per day if that's all you can manage, but get it done.

Best wishes and THANK YOU for your question.

Heather

Q: My bride-to-be and I are 40-somethings and are both getting married for the first time (believe it or not). We don't need gifts because we either have mostly everything people generally buy as gifts or mostly everything that people could afford that is available from retail Wedding registries. So I, being the Groom, say: "Why don't we put on the Invitations 'No gifts please' and if people send give $$$ we will gratefully take it. If not, it doesn't matter. My sweet Rose, however, says that we can't do that because some people will think we are hard up for cash (which we are not) or that people will otherwise be offended because we are making them send cash instead of a gift. (To which I think: so send us the $40.00 you would have spent on a toaster we don't need). Soooo, what do we do?

A: Congratulations and thank you for your question.

If you state "no gifts please" on your invitation you are certainly not requesting a cash gift. You are simply letting people know that a gift is not expected. If they decide to purchase a gift anyway or send you money that is entirely their decision to do so and I'm sure they would be offended if you did not accept it. If you said "cash gifts only" or "please send money" that would be completely unacceptable and I would question anyone who felt comfortable doing so.

If you are set up as far as household items go you can always look at some of the new registry options available. You can now register for your honeymoon, home mortgage, contributions to a honeymoon or a house fund (you will find these options in the Bridal Fair Canada.com gift registry) as well as gift certificates from just about any store ... there's no limit to what is available now.

Discuss your needs with your fiancée. If you truly need nothing and honestly don't want gifts of any variety you can always ask your guests to make a donation to their favourite charity or one that you've selected. If, after discussion you discover that you feel that, as a first time bride and groom, you would appreciate being able to purchase something special for yourselves then take a look at what is available. Perhaps the honeymoon destination of your dreams would be the perfect gift for the two of you...or a luxurious home spa, or new furniture and appliances or a new computer......

I think many guests appreciate some kind of direction when purchasing a gift. They don't want to give you something you don't want or can't use. They want you to remember their gesture and appreciate the thought behind their gift to you.

Best wishes.

Q: My mother is wondering what the proper etiquette is regarding announcing/inviting family and friends to the gift opening the Sunday after the wedding. It will be a large wedding and the gift opening is planned for about 2:00pm in the afternoon; sandwiches and sweets will be served. She is wondering what is the proper way to invite people to the gift opening? Do they send out invitations or is it done by a verbal announcement at the reception?

Thanks,
Diane

A: Either one is acceptable depending on who is invited. If it is a select group of close friends or family only, a verbal invitation to those individuals or an insert in the wedding invitation..."family and out-of-town guests are invited for a gift opening and lunch on Sunday, June 5th at 11am" for example. If all wedding guests are invited then by all means an announcement at the reception is completely acceptable.

Heather

Q: Hi Heather,

Is it proper to put the name of the gift registry on the wedding invitations? Thanks, Lissa

A: Thank you for your question. This is always an uncomfortable subject and should be approached very carefully. I have seen invitations which included the bridal registry information, but personally feel that an insert accompanying the invitation is a more appropriate method to let your guests know where you are registered. Some registries provide a card for you or you may have something tasteful printed to include with your invitations along with maps, hotel information and other important details that are not printed on the actual invitation.

Your registry information can certainly be printed directly on bridal shower invitations, but it should not be printed on wedding invitations.

Best wishes,

Heather

Q: Hi Heather, Most of my guests are from out of town and therefore are invited to dinner. My parents and my fiancé's father are paying for the dinner and wine. I want to invite some of my coworkers, some who are living with their fiancés and others who are single. My question: if I invite my coworkers with their fiancés, do I have to include a "guest" on the dinner invitation for the ones who are single? I feel as though it's not right that I am not inviting some of my close friends because I am not paying for the dinner and the guest list has to be limited but, if I allow my single friends to bring a guest (only a date or friend) to the dinner, I feel I would be giving the place of a good friend at the dinner table to a stranger I don't even know. I was planning to let these single friends bring a date to the reception only. I hope you can help me on the rules of etiquette for this situation. Sincerely, Lynn Camirand

A: Thank you for your question.

It is common but not required to invite a "guest" to accompany single friends to a wedding. Your suggestion to informally tell single friends to invite a guest to join them after the dinner is certainly acceptable although there have been "singles" tables at many weddings that I have attended. This is a great way for unattached friends to meet other unattached friends and makes for an interesting party.

The only exception would be that if any of your single friends have a "steady" boyfriend or girlfriend, you really should include them on the invitation by name, even if you have not yet met them.

Best wishes for a great wedding.

Heather

Q: Hi Heather!
My Fiancé and I are planning a May 2005 wedding. The problem is we are already living together and have no household needs. We are, however, saving up for a larger house. We are hoping to start expanding our little family and the house must also expand. Is there a way to suggest that in lieu of presents, money would be what we need? I have heard of green back weddings, what are these and how do you politely ask for them? Thank you! Lois

A: It is not uncommon for a bride and groom to have all the necessities of home already in place before tying the knot. Especially for couples who are wedding for the second time or who have been together for quite some time. Whatever the reason, it is perfectly acceptable to opt for cash or other alternatives rather than duplicating household needs.

For this reason, there are many new registry options for couples. You can now register for everything from your honeymoon to your mortgage. Rather than having to come right out and request cash - which nobody is really comfortable with, check out some of these great options. Whether you are requesting donations to your favourite charity, registering for a lump sum gift certificate at your favourite store or registering your house mortgage at your bank, an insert in your invitation advising your guests where you are registered makes gift buying easy and practical.

Best Wishes,

Heather

Q: Dear Heather,
I attended a wedding last year and did not receive a thank you note acknowledging the gift I gave. I am sure the bride did not do this on purpose but I am really worried that I might do the same thing. How can I make sure I don't accidentally overlook someone?

A: When you are addressing your invitations, write the addresses for your thank-you notes at the same time. Keep the addressed envelopes and blank note cards in alphabetical order and send them off as gifts are received. Check any remaining notes with your gifts received list to make sure no one has been overlooked.

Invitations :

Q.
We are having a private wedding service in a garden with a restriction on the number of guests, so we are only inviting our attendants and their spouses and immediate families (parents and grandparents) but we are having a grand reception with 200 guests. How should we word our invitations to the dinner reception? We do not want to hurt anyone's feelings in this process.

A.
If I understand your question correctly, you are having a private ceremony and dinner and followed by a reception after the dinner with 200 guests. You can word your invitations to let your guests know that the dinner will be intimate with just the wedding party and immediate family in any number of ways. You could simply say: The bridal party and our immediate family are invited to join us for an intimate dinner following the ceremony at such and such a location. Our other guests will help us continue our celebration following dinner for a grand reception at such and such a time and such and such a location.
OR
Please join Sara and Robert for an intimate family dinner at 5pm at East Blvd Restaurant. A grand reception will follow at East Blvd Banquet Hall at 7pm.

Best wishes.

Heather

Q: Hi Heather, I come from a very large extended family. Some of this family I have not seen
or heard from for as long as 15 years, others I see on a regular basis. I am one of the
younger cousins and a lot of my cousins are now married with children. As much as I would
love to invite all of them,86 family members take up a lot of our 150 guest list. Would it
be absolutely terrible to cut almost all of my cousins except the three (and their families)
I am closest to on my mother's side and just two who are too young to be by themselves on my father's side, or do I need to invite all of my family? None of our extended family live in
the same city as us, so they would be driving a minimum of 5 hours just to be here and some
would fly across the country to come.

A: That's a tough one. Usually my response would be "you invite whoever you like and don't
feel you need to make excuses or give explanations...it's your wedding! " BUT having said
that, some families can make life rather miserable for a bride (and her family) if they feel
they have been snubbed. You have to decide and you know your family better than I do. Have you talked to your parents about this? Generally, if cousins are not invited (and this is
common) it would be ALL the cousins who are not invited.

Do you have any contact with these people at all? Do the cousins that you plan to invite
have contact with them? If the answer to both questions is no then I think you're safe.
Chances are they won't hear about it and if they do they will understand. However, if you,
or your cousins ARE in contact with these people, I think it possible that you may have some
"fall out" after the fact. Only you can decide if you can live with that.

Best Wishes.

Heather

Q: Hi Heather, We are both getting married for the second time. We are planning a very
informal wedding and some of invitations will be mailed. Is it ok to hand deliver those in our local area, and is it ok receive replies by telephone or e-mail?

Thank you. Gloria

A: Absolutely Gloria. Some couples choose to do ALL their wedding correspondence via e-mail. As long as it is clear to guests what is expected in terms of responding, I'm sure you will have no trouble organizing this portion of your wedding. The ironic part is that couples who mail invitations and response cards often end up calling a good portion of guests to confirm anyway!

Best Wishes

Q: Hi Heather, My fiancé and I are going to be inviting our family and wedding party to the church, diner and evening reception as we are wanting to have a small diner with family and few friends. However for the church and evening reception we would like to invite more friends as they are also important to us and we wish to celebrate with them. How do we word the invitations for those who are invited to everything (e.g. our family) and those who are only invited to the church and evening reception. We would love to invite more people to the diner but due to the cost we can only invite our family and wedding party. We do not want for anybody to be hurt. Can you please help us and give us a tip on how to write the invitations and what should be included in each different type of invitations. Thanks very much for your help, it is greatly appreciated.

A: Congratulations and thank you for your question.

You can look at this a couple of ways. You can have two completely different invitations. One will have the ceremony, dinner, and reception details. The other will have the ceremony details and then will specify a cocktail or dance reception beginning at such and such a time. It is important to be very clear that the reception is NOT a dinner reception so your guests are not expecting a meal.

OR you can have your primary invitation with the ceremony and reception details (be sure to specify cocktail/dance, not dinner) and then have an insert for family members only inviting them to the intimate dinner you have planned. It would be important to word this so that family members understand that not ALL your guests will be attending this intimate dinner so they don't inadvertently blurt it out to an uninvited person.

An invitations specialist will have suggestions for wording for all of these options and you can select the wording that best suits your style. Just be aware that you have to be very clear in order to avoid misunderstandings and embarrassment on the wedding day.

Best Wishes.
Heather

Q: Hi Heather, I would like to invite my cousin and his fiancée to my wedding in May, but not sure how to address the invitation. My cousin lives at home with his parents who will be invited to the wedding as well, and his fiancée lives with her parents who I do not plan to invite. How do I address the invitation for them?? Thanks, Karen

A: Congratulations and thanks for your question.

Because your cousin and his fiancée are an engaged couple who do not live together address the invitation to both of their names and then send it c/o (care of) his address.

Heather

Q: Hello Heather, I require advice with regards to having personalized invitations done for my sister's wedding. I am a graphic designer, and my sister has asked me if it would be possible for me to design a personal wedding invitation with a picture of her and her fiancé and some sort of wedding montage. What I was thinking of would be to design the front cover of the cards (and if possible, the inside). I know that there are companies who make their own invitations and provide pre-made samples for the couple to choose from. However, I was wondering if there are companies that would be able to use a design I would create and incorporate it in one of their card templates? In other words... my sister could choose the paper and invitation style that the company would have, but instead of choosing one of their designs to put on the card, she could give them a design I would create myself. Would you know of any wedding invitation company who would be able to do that? I hope you understand where I'm going with this. Any info will be much appreciated.

Thank you for your help, Jonathan

A: Hello and thank you for your question. I have seen some beautiful custom designed invitations and did a little research with a graphic designer friend of mine to find out how the process works. Here is what she had to say:

As a graphic designer, when I do invitations for clients, everything is provided to the printer. However having said that, everything that I send them is custom designed and 'personalized' for that particular client - custom size, custom colour, custom paper, all personalized names and dates, etc. I work with the client to develop a unique design, develop wording and style, as well as custom required pieces, such as response cards, any maps (which I custom create for them, accompanied by custom directions), extra design items (sometimes its a piece of coloured paper that wraps around the invite for effect,) etc.

When most people order their invitations, they are ordering from a large supplier who only takes their text (i.e. their names and dates) and plugs them into an existing design, chosen by the client. I doubt that any of these large suppliers will take your photo and plug that in. Most of the larger companies can afford to charge a lower price for invitation designs, for this particular reason - they are paying their printers (however they are producing it) one set up fee and essentially swapping a very small portion of the actual invite for each customer. There is no custom design, no questions, essentially no contact with the bride and/or groom.

Perhaps a smaller local company may be able to provide a more one on one service and adjust an existing design to include a photo. Clients should be aware however, that they will need to provide the original physical photo for scanning, unless otherwise instructed - and there may be more time involved to prepare the invite – i.e. more cost to the client. Also, if the desired outcome is a colour photo, chances are they will run into higher costs as well.

In my opinion, nothing is impossible. It certainly wouldn't hurt to ask if a photo can be utilized in an existing design. Check the ottawabridalfair.com website under suppliers for local invitations and printers. Knowing the design and printing process you will know the right questions to ask...or maybe work with a graphic designer and get really creative.

Best wishes with your custom design.

Heather

Wedding and Reception Locations :

Q.
Hi Heather,
Markus and I will have been engaged for one year this coming February and we are planning to marry in June 2008. This past year, I have been searching for numerous ideas and starting
to get a jump start on colors, cakes, dresses etc. It's all been very fun and exciting
thus far. Our biggest initial problem is trying to decide on locations for the ceremony
and reception. I am from Kingston, Ontario, and so is my LARGE immediate family. For the past
5 years, I have lived in Ottawa where Markus and I met and decided to make it our home
together. His much smaller family and large network of friends are from Ottawa and surrounding areas. Although I have selected and visited many beautiful Ottawa locations for ceremonies, my parents believe and support the idea VERY MUCH that it is "traditional" to have the wedding in the bride's hometown. They will also be helping us out tremendously financially for our wedding day. I support and understand the idea of a Kingston ceremony and would also hate for all my family to have to travel here and pay for accomodations, etc. Markus opposes the idea of having the wedding in Kingston which would impose travelling on his friends and family (consisting of a sister, brother-in-law, nephews and his parents). Kingston is also more limited than Ottawa in terms of locations/resources etc. Still, Markus has many resources available to us here and that could help us and my parents save money. We thought of trying to compromise and have the wedding mid-way between Ottawa and Kingston, or having our wedding in Kingston and the reception in Ottawa. We are really undecided and just want to make everyone happy, including ourselves. Do you have any suggestions?

A.
Right off the top of my head, I say plan a destination wedding and invite everyone to join you
somewhere tropical. If that is not something that appeals to you, then you are going to have
to work this out between you. Ultimately, it is the bride's choice (of course) and it is
traditionally the bride's hometown or the town in which her parents reside that the wedding
takes place, but certainly the number of people who have to travel is a consideration.
I have worked with brides who have chosen to have the wedding in one location and a reception in another. I have also attended a post-destination wedding reception for guests who could not attend the wedding ceremony which took place in an exotic location with just the immediate family present. They played their wedding video and had a beach party theme
complete with island music and cuisine. You may also want to consider a resort location
that would be at a similar distance from both your hometowns so that guests can make a
mini-vacation of the weekend. Many resorts offer spa packages or exciting outdoor activities
that your guests might enjoy during their stay. That would certainly make for a memorable
wedding weekend. Best wishes,
Heather

Wedding Planning :

Q.
Hello Heather,

just a general question. I am planning a 50's wedding and am really stuck on ideas. I was wondering if you had any original ideas for food and drinks. Thank you for your time! Amanda

A.
Hi Amanda,

for your 50's wedding, I suggest you take ideas from the menus and décor of diners with a 40's, 50's or 60's theme. You can also consult an experienced wedding coordinator. Best wishes, Heather

Q.
I am in need of a wedding coordinator. I live in Kitchener and we are getting married in
Petawawa. If there is anyone you can recommend or if you can tell me where to find someone, I would GREATLY appreciate it. Cost is an issue and the budget hasn't been nailed down yet. The date is August 11, 2007.

A.
A wedding coordinator can be of great help to ensure that you will stay within budget and
get full value for your expenditures. You will find the names of highly reputed wedding
coordinators on www.ottawabridalfair.com. On that website, go to the Bridal Fair Ottawa
Show page and click on Exhibitors Floor Plan. In the Wedding Coordinators category,
you will see a list of 5 companies in the Ottawa area one of which, Bridal Solutions Impact
Marketing & Events Solutions, being one of the Gold Sponsors of the Bridal Fair Grand Prize.
My best wishes in your planning and for the great day!

Heather

Photography-videography :

Q:
Hello Heather,
I got married in September. In my opinion, our wedding video was a disaster. For nine hours
of wedding footage we received less than 30 minutes of video not even in chronological order.
I was wondering what the average length of wedding videos are.
Vijia

A :
I have to agree with you. That sounds like there must be some "lost footage".
Obviously there has been a miscommunication with your videographer. Usually you can select
a package and indicate the kind of video you are looking for. Whether you want complete
coverage from start to finish which would end up being probably 2 to 4 hours of footage
when edited and pieced together, but 30 minutes to me does seem extremely short, sort of
the "Coles Notes" version of your special day....not acceptable in my opinion. BUT that depends entirely on your arrangement with the videographer. Do you have a contract of any kind? Did he indicate to you what your finished video would look like and how long it would be? Did you see any samples of videos he has produced and how does yours measure up? If you didn't ask any questions, see any samples or specify any details I'm afraid you may have been taken advantage of and there may not be much you can do except complain to him directly and hope he can produce the remaining footage for you.
Heather

Speeches :

Q.
Hello, I am having some trouble with the groom's speech. I am not sure how to start, what to say, include, who to thank and in what order. So basically I need assistance. I have thoughts that I know I want to say, but not sure how to put them down. What I have been looking for is a template or guide as to how to write a groom's speech... any assistance would be greatly appreciated and welcomed.

Sincerely yours,

Daniel

A. Hi Daniel,
There are literally THOUSANDS of websites offering templates, email courses and self-help books on how to make the perfect wedding speech. (I googled "groom's speech template") I think that you should take a look at what is out there and perhaps select something that seems appropriate to use as a GUIDE only.

I truly believe that the best speeches come from the heart and while you may want to have some points on paper in case you get off track, you shouldn't over-prepare. This is not a professional presentation and your sincerity is the most important ingredient. Something that sounds unlike you or robotic in any way will not be received well.

Start jotting down what comes to mind immediately. Don't forget to list all the important people you want to THANK. People love to hear their names in a speech..."and special thanks to Uncle Ted and Aunt Stella for travelling all the way from B.C"...that kind of thing. In addition to talking about your relationship with the bride, how you met and/or how you proposed, thank your parents, your family and hers for their support and acceptance, special friends and attendants. Finish by thanking the bride and don't forget to talk about how BEAUTIFUL she looks and how lucky you are!!!!

Pare down your notes by weeding out anything that just isn't you or may come across as forced. You really DON'T have to be funny. If that is not something that comes naturally then don't feel you have to try to be a standup comedian. Some of the WORST speeches I have ever heard involved inappropriate jokes, roast-type comments and bad humour.

The very best speeches I have ever heard were "short and sweet", sincere, heartfelt and perhaps had some light humour but not a comedy routine.

I hope this has been helpful. Please know that I once heard that speaking in public was the number one most feared activity so don't feel like you are the only person who has had trouble with this part of the wedding preparations. Do remember that everyone in attendance is there because they love you and are happy for you... a pretty supportive audience I'd say. They will not be judging your speech or how good your jokes are (they will however judge how BAD they are!) and will want to hear you express YOUR feelings. Not someone else's.

Best wishes and remember to just be yourself.

Cheers.

Heather

Timing of Ceremony :

Q: Dear Heather,
I am feeling so overwhelmed trying to schedule my wedding day and the day following. We will be leaving our reception to spend the night at a beautiful resort which we will have to leave early the next morning to get to my parents house to open gifts. We will then have to leave my parents house for the airport to go on our honeymoon. I feel like we are shortchanging ourselves by trying to fit too much in but don't want to disappoint our friends and relatives.

A: Your wedding day (weekend) can be a real marathon if you consider all the festivities you will be attending over a 36 to 48 hour period. There is the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner or party, wedding day breakfast, the wedding and reception, and often a gift opening brunch or barbecue the next day. All this and you are supposed to be packed and ready to jet off to your honeymoon destination glowing and blissfully happy.
You may want to give yourself a little more time to prepare and spread these activities over a few more days to really enjoy each part of the celebration.
If it works for everyone involved, try to book your rehearsal for a Thursday night leaving you with Friday night to relax and make last minute preparations.
Enjoy your entire wedding day. Invite attendants to dress and have makeup done at your home. Serve a light snack, listen to your favourite music, share memories and wedding stories.
Select your wedding night accommodations carefully. I have known some couples who have postponed their "wedding night" a day or two so they could take full advantage of the facilities. You may really need a relaxing day at the spa and a leisurely breakfast in bed.
Finally, there is no rule that says you must rush off on your honeymoon immediately following your wedding. Choose a time that suits both of you, your work schedule and is the best time of year to visit your destination.

The Engagement :

Q: Hello heather, I/we missed the bridal fair, here in Calgary. I am wondering if there is another show upcoming that I can try and make arrangements for us to go to. My fiance is very upset with me this morning and I am hoping to make things right. It was because of me that we missed the show.

Best regards,

David

A: Hello David,

I am waiting on a response from Calgary on the date of their next big show. There are a couple of Welcome Wagon Shows coming up. They are Feb.6, 2006 and May 1, 2006 at the Red and White Club - West side of McMahon Stadium. You can go online to www.welcomewagon.ca to register for the Showcase.

Just a friendly reminder that Valentine's Day is only a couple of weeks away. You won't want to forget that...I'm sure some flowers and maybe a Spa Gift Certificate would smooth things over.

Good Luck!

Heather

Q: My boyfriend & I will be getting engaged at the Labrador Winter Games in Happy Valley-Goose Bay in early March before the opening ceremonies. Do you think we should at the opening or on the way to Happy Valley-Goose Bay before we arrive here by snowmobile. We'll be travelling from Cartwright to Goose Bay by March 10th/06. Thanks in advance. Heather Martin & Robert Lethbridge

A: Oh my goodness. How lovely, but that is such a personal thing. I can't tell you where to get engaged. I think that if you are uncertain then maybe let your fiance surprise you. You will obviously know that it will be happening at some point on your trip but tell him to do it when the moment feels right. It will be much more special than if I make that decision for you.

Have a wonderful time and congratulations in advance!

Q: Hi! My sister is getting married and I would like to host a mixed stag for her and her fiancée! I know the basics, like the hall rental and music entertainment.….are there other things I should know?

Jessa

A: A mixed stag has traditionally been a way for friends and family of the couple to raise money to help get them started on their new life together. Of course it is also a great opportunity for people to get to know each other before the wedding and celebrate the upcoming nuptials.

If fundraising is a key element you may want to carefully consider the costs involved in putting on the event. The hall rental, DJ, food etc will all have to be weighed before tickets are sold so that you don't lose money. You may want to consider having something at a private residence to avoid the hall rental, ask people to bring food for a buffet or BBQ, buy beer and wine and then simply ask people to put a donation in a fishbowl for the couple..rather than selling tickets, raffling off liquor etc.

If it is not a fundraiser but simply an opportunity to get together you will still want to make sure it doesn't break you to put on an extravagant party. So either way costs are an important factor. You'll need to know that you will be able to cover most or all of the costs of putting on the event so once you figure out your budget, make sure you are working within that budget and price your tickets accordingly.

It is increasingly popular to treat the bride and groom to a mixed shower, rather than a traditional stag where guests don't have to buy tickets but bring a gift instead. You can do a themed shower to pay off part of the honeymoon, get a great gift certificate for a furniture store, stock their bar (liquor shower) or buy a large ticket item with the pooled money.

No matter which route you take, don't be afraid to enlist the assistance of other members of the wedding party. Meet to discuss ideas, budget and your plan of action. Delegate jobs and follow-up so you know everything is taken care of and the party will be a success.

Have a great time!

Q: Hello Heather, my fiancé and I are planning an engagement party but we are stuck on the entertainment. We are having a casual outdoor party-BBQ. We are not sure what we should include or what we should do. We would really like some ideas.

Thanks, Dahlia

A: Thank you Dahlia, for your question.

Engagement parties can be as simple or elaborate as you like. Some couples even "outdo" the wedding reception with an extravagant party, much like a New Year's Eve celebration, complete with live music, fireworks...you name it. This however is pretty unusual. Sounds like your casual BBQ will be a beautiful evening affair. You can't go wrong with a disc jockey. The variety of music available allows for all kinds of tastes and, hopefully, will get your guests dancing. Some DJs also have a karaoke option that can be loads of fun.

You are not limited in any way, especially if you have a theme in mind or are the kind of couple known for doing things a little differently. Retro parties are quite popular and, at the other end of the spectrum, a sit down formal dinner with family and close friends can be equally special.

Enjoy your celebration. The only thing you can't count on is the weather, so for your BBQ you might want to look into a tent rental...just in case.

Best Wishes.

Heather

Wedding Attire :

Q.
My best friend is getting married, she asked me to be her maid of honor. I was excited to be
able to help her and everything. However she then told me that I have to buy the dress that
she picks for me. What is up with that? She then told me that she want us (1 maid of honor
and 3 bridesmaids) to pay for our dresses individually, including the shoes and purse.
She said that she wants us to be able to wear the dress again at other occassions, but all
the dresses she picks, for my point of view, are not nice and frankly I wouldn't ever wear them again. I would propably donate it or recycle some of the material. In my upbringing,
the bride's parents pay for the whole wedding including dresses and tuxedos, or else the bride
and the groom pay for that. Furthermore if the bride wants her bridal party to wear what she
wants, she pays for it, not the bridesmaids or maid of honor themselves. If the bride wants
the bridesmaids to pay for the dresses themselves, then they should get to pick the dresses
they like as long as they match the color theme. I need you advice and help. My common-law
spouse and I don't want to buy an expensive dress that we see as hideous and that I would
never wear again.

Thank you
Chantal

A.
Thanks for your question. This is the greatest dilemma of a bridal attendant. "I want to stand
up for my friend but don't want to cough up for a dress that I probably won't like and very
likely will never wear again". I am sorry to tell you that it is expected that once an
attendant accepts the role of bridesmaid, it becomes her responsibility to purchase the
ensemble chosen by the bride. This usually includes dress, shoes and possibly a purse and
wrap (and maybe even jewellery although this is often given as a gift). The bride usually
pays for the flowers. Although it is customary that bridesmaids pay for their own attire,
often the bride will help out if she feels the ensemble she has selected is a little pricey
for her attendants. It is becoming more common for a bride to allow bridesmaids some say
in the dress selection or colour if she CHOOSES to do so, but she has final say in this matter.
Hopefully you have the kind of relationship with your friend that will allow you to explain
to her that while you really would like to be part of her wedding you are finding the costs
associated with the dress a bit high. She will either offer to help out with the cost or
allow you to back out...no hard feelings.

Best of luck.
Heather

Q:
Hi Heather,
We are planning a wedding for 2008 and we had orignially planned it for the fall. I would
like the dresses to be a deep wine color and our color scheme to be deep reds and gold,
but we recently decided to move the wedding up to possibly the end of June or late August.
Do you think these colors are still appropriate or should we choose something more summery?
Thank You.
Natasha Albert

A:
Sounds beautiful to me. I think that these colours would be absolutely gorgeous in any season. The important thing is to present them in a seasonally appropriate way by paying close attention to the style and fabric of the dresses. Go with a lighter, sheerer fabric, a breezy, comfortable summer style, strappy summer shoes and of course seasonal flowers to complement the colour scheme and provide the finishing touch. Heather

Q: We are thinking of having a wedding "vintage" style. We are in our 50's, and both have been married before. My fiance has restored a 1931 Chev - beautiful! We would like to wear clothing in the style of the 1930's for an outdoor fall wedding, complete with photos in front of the car. I need help in choice of suit, and dress, either modern style look-alike’s, or custom made from old patterns? Any suggestions?

Pat in Saskatchewan.

A: What a great wedding theme!

I think you will have a tough time finding an ensemble that looks truly authentic unless you have it custom made. Try to enjoy the research part of this assignment.....search the internet for old bridal photos. Spend a day with girlfriends checking out vintage clothing stores , antique shops and flea markets for bags, jewellery, hats, anything really interesting that will finish your outfit.

Then find a GOOD seamstress and have her help you find patterns that match the look and feel of the pieces you wish to recreate. I think this will be the easy part. The shoes are going to be a little tougher. You may have to settle for something simple as opposed to perfectly authentic...BUT, you never know. Check on ebay...they say you can buy anything and everything there.

Congratulations and have fun!

Heather

Q: My fiance is an aspiring wedding planner, so I am having trouble winning this argument. We will be getting married on the beach in Aruba at 6pm in September. She has talked me out of having my groomsmen all look different, which from what everybody else tells me makes no sense. My one real issue is that I would like my tie to match the colour the wedding (teal greenish like colour) and that my tie be different from my groomsmen. I just don't want to feel like I am a part of her background or that she is Gladys Knight and we’re the Pips. Most weddings, I have gone to or know of, a lot is said about how the bride looks not a peep is mentioned about the groom and I would like to standout in my own little way. Is this too much to ask??

A: Absolutely not, you are certainly not asking too much...most groom's attire has some very subtle difference from the rest of the groom's party. Whether it is as small a detail as a different boutonnière or a completely different suit/tux, the groom should be recognizable as not just another groomsman.

Cheers!

Heather

Q: Hello, We're planning a late April wedding. The ceremony is at 13:30 with an afternoon reception from 14:00-17:00. The reception consists of a live jazz band, canapés and champagne followed by a light buffet at a lodge on a lake. We would like guests to mingle and are setting the reception area as a bistro for those who want to sit. I'm wearing a champagne dress, my bridesmaids are wearing black cocktail dresses with monochrome champagne wraps. What should the men wear as this is not a formal setting? (the groom is Scottish so he's in a kilt).

A: Congratulations and thank you for your question.

You could look at a couple of options. A monochromatic suit in either black (my preference) or champagne without ties. Or a crisp dress shirt and pants, again monochromatic, without ties. I prefer the suit option myself. It is still a wedding after all. The look will still be festive but, without the tie, more in keeping with your theme....which is very cool by the way!

Best Wishes.

Heather

Q: Hi Could you please tell me the best and most cost efficient way to obtain a destination (informal) wedding dress? Most bridal shops carry little to none. I looked into having one made but will I end up paying an arm and a leg? I have also looked on line but I have heard that ordering a gown over the internet is risky. Any suggestions?

A: Congratulations and thank you for your question.

Many brides are shopping at bridal salons for destination gowns but are looking at attendants gowns that can be ordered in white and ivory. There are many glamourous styles to choose from that would be appropriate and comfortable for a tropical setting and the price is usually quite reasonable. You can select your style, have it ordered in the colour and size you like and have any alterations required done right there at the shop. A bridal shop will also prepare your dress for travel and make any other recommendations to ensure that it looks just perfect on your special day.

Bon Voyage.

Q: Where can I find inexpensive brown or gold bridesmaid dresses? I want to pay roughly 100 to 200 dollars.

Mlanie

A: I suggest checking with local bridal retailers for end-of-season merchandise that may be reduced. Also, formal gowns and holiday wear at women's apparel chains. They can get duplicates in correct sizing by accessing stores across the city or country if necessary. You'll definitely pay less for something "off the rack" than to have dresses custom made.

Good luck!

Q: I am stuck on a dress. I am 33 yrs old and I am getting married May 28th 2005. I want to wear a white wedding dress and all but, because I am a size 18-20 an inexpensive dress isn't available, at least at any of the places I have looked at. We are trying to do all the wedding planning by ourselves on a tight budget, but want the wedding to be old fashioned: it is a first marriage for both of us. Are there rental shops for wedding dresses and, if so, where are they? I live just outside Ottawa and we want to get married in Ottawa since that is where we both come from. Any advice you can provide would be great ...Thanks Gail

A: Hello and thank you for your question.

Many couples are being cash conscious when planning their weddings and rest assured that you can put on a beautiful wedding that doesn't break the bank. By saving in some areas you can splurge in others....it sometimes takes a little more research to find the deals but they are out there.

I did a little checking for you and found some interesting options. First of all, I was unable to locate any rental shops in Ontario.

One of the bridal shop owners I spoke to suggested that some of her bridesmaids' gowns can be ordered in ivory or white - one for as low as $245 with no beading - in your size range. There is a $35 charge for sizing, but still a very inexpensive option for a simple and elegant dress. She also had a wedding dress for as low as $335. She suggested you call salons in the area to get their price range on both bridesmaids' and wedding gowns and then book an appointment to see what they have to offer.

For telephone numbers for local salons check out our listings under Wedding Services/Suppliers under Women Fashion.

Be sure to ask about second-hand dresses. I have seen many that are only one season "old" and a fraction of the original price. Some bridal salons that specialize in "previously enjoyed" gowns will even buy the dress back from you after the wedding.

As a makeup artist, I see many brides every week. Some have found very inexpensive dresses that you would NEVER know cost them so little. Beautiful flowers, jewelry and accessories can give a simple dress a little boost. It's your face that people will remember....happy and radiant.

Best wishes.

Heather

Q: Hello, I am getting married in 3 months and have a question about my flowers for the wedding party. It has turned out that the ladies will be wearing burgundy gowns and carrying cream carnations. I will have my white gown and carry tulips. The tulips are a mix of petals with cream and dark pink and just dark pink. My question to you is, is it okay to have the different types of flowers? Will the colours go together? I am getting stressed over this. Please help.
Thank you, Christina.

A: Thank you for your question.

When you say, "it has turned out,” it sounds like this was not your choice. If not then perhaps you should make sure your wishes are clear.

I would suggest that you ask your florist's opinion about the colour matching of the different types of flowers. It is my opinion that a perfect "match" is not required but that the colours should complement the gowns and other floral arrangements. Also, ask about colour variations. Sometimes the colours vary slightly from shipment to shipment and florists will use whatever their suppliers send them. Find out beforehand if this is a possibility so you are not surprised if the shade is a little different than you expected.

There certainly is no rule about bridesmaids' bouquets being the same or different from the bride's. I have seen many wedding parties where the bride's bouquet is entirely different from the bridesmaids' and some where it is simply a larger version of the same thing. I think your choices sound lovely. If you are still uncertain, ask your florist's opinion (they are experts!) or have a sample bouquet made up to see if you like the combination.

Stop worrying....Have you ever heard someone say "look at the ugly flowers" ??? Flowers are always beautiful, they're flowers!

Heather

Q: Hi Heather, I was out of town during the Bridal Fair. I recently got engaged, planning a wedding in Cancun Mexico for the first week of Jan 2005. I don't have any friends who got married in town and was wondering if you could direct me to some bridal shops – web pages or anything. We are just planning a small wedding 20-30 people. How far in advance should I be hunting for the dress? Some say 1 year before!? Help! Karen Armstrong.

A: Yes, you probably should start looking for a dress soon. It's always better to have extra time than not enough. You will find a number of bridal boutiques listed on the Ottawa Bridal Fair website. Many have websites that you can visit for more information on the lines they carry, where they are located and other information.

Enjoy dress shopping and congratulations on your engagement.

Heather

Q: Hi Heather,
I brought in some pictures of my wedding dress to show my co-workers and others what it looked like. I wasn't expecting someone to say it looked ugly but someone did. I know why they said it was ugly because there's no lace...it didn't bother me when I put the down payment but the closer I get to finishing paying for it, I get more weepy- thinking I'm going to be an ugly bride. Other than buying another dress, which I can't afford and I couldn't afford my dream dress what can I do.... my wedding is in 10 months? Thanks, Katherine

A: Katherine,
Do you love your dress? Obviously you did when you bought it. Please don't let a mean-spirited person put doubts in your mind! What a horrible thing to say.... this person is likely jealous or never has anything nice to say. IGNORE HER! And remember, bridal gowns are beautiful, but it is the attitude of the bride that really makes a gown spectacular...enjoy your day and let your radiance come from within.

Heather

Q: I am in the process of deciding on where to purchase my wedding gown. As it is an important aspect of the wedding, how do I find out if the bridal shop is reputable? All of my closest friends who are married, did so out of town. I am nervous to make a decision as I have heard terrible stories about service, dress alterations and so on. Any suggestions?

A: We are very fortunate here in Ottawa to have many reputable Bridal Salons to choose from. I have had plenty of feedback from brides about their experiences and what I would recommend to you is to trust your instincts. While most brides have had very pleasant experiences and rave about great service there are certainly situations when you will hear "horror stories" about dresses not arriving on time, alterations being botched etc. I can assure you that this is not the norm and any good retailer will do a little troubleshooting on your behalf to make sure everything arrives on time, in the correct sizes and colours with time to spare for last minute changes.

Do visit a few salons and remember that while gown selection is of course important, you should make sure you feel comfortable with the person helping you. Make sure that measurements are accurate, orders are placed in a timely manner and extra time is allowed for delivery, a final fitting and alterations if necessary.

Most brides tell me that they "knew" the instant they put on the "right" gown. It is also my experience that any shopper (bridal or otherwise) will have an initial impression when they walk into a store. If the atmosphere in the salon isn't welcoming and helpful...move on. You have to make the judgment for yourself. One bride might appreciate lots of input from a salesperson while another will find it intrusive.

Please visit our website for information on local salons, visit their websites and send e-mails with any questions or concerns. You can also speak with representatives from many salons in person at the Ottawa Bridal Fair in January at the Ottawa Congress Centre, with no pressure to buy.

Trust me...as you knew when you said yes, you'll also know when you've found the right dress and the right people to help make your experience beautiful!.

Best Wishes and Happy Shopping!
Heather

Q: Good afternoon Heather,
I am getting married August 15 of this year. I am 60 years old but look 48 and this is my second marriage. My wedding dress is ivory and was featured at the last Bridal Fair show. My question is: Should I wear a tiara or screw on pearls or nothing in my hair which is short. Please answer me a.s.a.p. My last day at work is August 8.
Nicole

A: What's your secret to your youthful looks?

Sounds like you can get away with either one. Without seeing you, your hairstyle and face shape I'd say go with what feels best. A tiara can be cumbersome if it is not the flexible kind that moulds to your head. It can also require some fussing with your hair to hide the wire that goes around the back. Hair jewellery can be really fun and flirty and you certainly won't feel the weight of it. I guess if I had to choose I'd go with the hair jewellery. It's a little less formal, a little more cutting edge in terms of style, and will give your more flexibility with regards to hairstyle.

Best Wishes. I'm sure you'll be a knockout!!

Q: Dear Heather,
My fiancé has chosen an usher who is fresh out of school and has student loans to pay off. My fiancé is worried that asking him to pay for his tuxedo will leave him short, but he also doesn't want to offer to cover for him and not the others. What should he do?

A: Tell your fiancé that he can cover the cost of all the tuxedo rentals as his gift to the groomsmen. This way he is not singling out his friend and I'm sure all the men will appreciate the gesture as a great gift.

The Wedding Party :

Q: I have a question about who is supposed to pay for the bridesmaid/maid of honour dresses and the groomsmen's tuxedos. Is it wrong of me to expect each member of the wedding party to pay for their own outfit? Thanks! Your advice is very helpful!

A: Congratulations and thanks for your question.

It is only on very rare occasions that the bride and groom offer to pay for the bridal party's attire. It is quite acceptable and in fact usual for attendants to cover the cost of their dresses and tuxedos. If you are able to contribute, wonderful. If you can find gowns that are reasonably priced or tuxedo rentals that are on special, that's wonderful too, and your attendants will appreciate it.

If the cost of the wedding party's attire is a bone of contention consider purchasing practical attendants gifts that can be used on the wedding day, e.g., earrings, wraps, purses etc. For the men perhaps a garment bag, toiletry bag or hotel voucher to cover their stay.

Best Wishes.

Heather

Q: Hi, I am having difficulty choosing whom I should have in my wedding party without hurting anyone’s feelings. I have one sister and two very good friends, but only one I could depend on for my wedding and who can pay for her own dress. The other two are not capable of paying for their own and, well I hate to say it, but are not dependable. We already have lots of expenses and planning to do. I am considering having only one maid of honour. Is it odd to only have one person instead of the usual three? My fiance will only have 2 groom’s men. The bottom line: I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings and I am not sure how to approach this. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.

A: Congratulations and thank you for your question.

First of all there's absolutely nothing wrong with having one attendant. Choose someone you can rely on and who will appreciate the gesture. It is possible that the two who can't afford the formal attire would be relieved to not participate. If you are worried that they will be hurt if not asked, then ask them and explain that you completely understand if they would prefer to participate in some other way...like doing a reading at the ceremony. If your concerns about their dependability outweigh your concerns about them feeling excluded then don't fret it. It's one thing to be excluded from a group of attendants (Which might suggest "I like these girlfriends better than those girlfriends") but if you just have one attendant...the others will understand.

Best Wishes.
Heather

Q: Hi Heather, I have been planning my wedding now for a couple of years. My fiancé and I have both picked out our attendants. We are happy with our choices except one. One of the bridesmaids I chose is someone who I thought would be there for me and is now turning out to be an added headache. I have known her since we were kids and she and I always got along. She does have a very strong personality and can be rather forward, but had never been with me until the talk about the wedding. My main problem is that she doesn't want to cooperate with any of the other bridesmaids on finding a dress. All of the other bridesmaids have agreed on and love this one particular dress and she absolutely refuses to pay for it. My fiancé and I cannot take on any more costs than what we will have, or else I would essentially just buy it for her. She is not really acting as I thought a bridesmaid is supposed to act. At this point, I still want her in the wedding party, but my fiancé and other bridesmaids don't want to deal with these outbursts...but I don't know how to resolve this issue. HELP!!! Overwhelmed and Worried

A: Thank you for your question. This one is a goodie!!!

First of all, please know that you are not alone. The "bridesmaidzilla" phenomenon, in my experience, is far more common than the fabled "bridezilla" we have all heard about. I think that sometimes bridesmaids can forget that it is NOT their wedding day. It's YOUR day my dear so if this "friend" is having a hard time focusing on that then things will only get worse. If she's quibbling now, you won't be able to depend on her on the wedding day.

Having said that, you have to approach her carefully. People like this don't take kindly to criticism and can feel they are being attacked or ganged up on so don't bring up anything about how the others feel. Don't rehash everything that's happened and scold her for her bad behaviour (although she does deserve it). Also, don't give HER the opportunity to make the decision by asking her if she wants to be in your wedding party or not. It will just get messy. Instead, I would simply make a very clear statement like: "I'm sorry things didn't work out. I had hoped you would be in my bridal party. I completely understand your decision to decline and hope you will still attend my wedding as a guest. I really want you to be there. No hard feelings"

This way she knows that if she is unwilling to participate in YOUR day, then she's out. You are not forcing her to do anything. You have not ejected her from your bridal party. SHE made that decision and you are simply responding to it. I have a good friend who always tells me that if a friendship is not working then "cut 'em loose". I know it sounds harsh but sometimes people need a little wake-up call about what's REALLY important in life. If she was truly a good, dependable, caring friend she'd wear rubber boots and a mumu if you asked her to.

Good luck and remember, SHE decided to bail on you. Cut her loose and start enjoying making plans with your true friends.

Heather

Q: Hi my fiancé and I are getting married in September 2006 and we are having a hard time figuring out what to buy as gifts to show our appreciation to our Maid of Honour and Best Man. I hope you have some suggestions.
Thank you, Sabrina

A: That is always a tough one because you want something meaningful that will also be a great keepsake. I think jewellery is always a smart gift for a maid of honour. I recently saw beautiful personalized "O" shaped pendants for each member of the bridal party with a lovely message to each girl from the bride. Earrings and necklaces are also a beautiful and practical gift that attendants can wear for your wedding and again afterwards.

I always find men's gifts a bit more difficult but depending on what your guys are interested in they can be fun to buy for. Personalized leather duffles are classy and practical, or any type of good quality luggage for business men who travel frequently. Money clips, cufflinks, utility knives for the outdoorsman...are all great keepsakes to receive.

Try doing a little fishing before you make your purchase. If your attendants are married ask what gift they really wished they had received when they got married and buy it for them. If they are not then ask their advice on what you should register for... you'll get an idea of what they think is important and what they themselves would love to receive.

Finally....yes, choosing the gift for your attendants is very important but telling them how special they are to you and how much you appreciate their love and support is priceless. Make sure you acknowledge them at your reception and tell everyone how much their friendship means to you.

Best Wishes.

Heather

Q: Hi Heather,
I am having a hard time choosing bridesmaids among my girlfriends and decided to just have my cousin stand up for me, as she is like a sister. The problem is that my fiancé has two brothers he would like in the wedding. Is it o.k. to have more groomsmen than bridesmaids? (also we might have another usher to help with seating - then it would be 3 to 1!) Thank you in advance for any advice.

A: Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

You have found an excellent solution to your bridesmaids' selection dilemma. That is exactly what I would have suggested. Remember it is all about quality not quantity! The fact that you and your cousin are so close is important and no, there is absolutely no rule that says you must have an even number of attendants. Most do it simply for "symmetry" which is really quite silly if you think about it. I think I would almost be offended if I were asked to be a bridesmaid just because a bride needed one more to make the sides "even". Doesn't say much about the friendship. So, go with 2 ushers or 3...your choice and enjoy your day. The "uneven" sides will make for very lovely photos as you'll likely not do the standard (boring...did I say that?) lined up photo and will have to "settle" for something a little more interesting to look at!

Best wishes for a beautiful wedding and kudos to you for recognizing that choosing attendants is an important process that is all about friendships not numbers!

Heather

Q: Hi Heather, I am feeling a little stressed out about deciding who is going to be in my wedding party. Here is the situation. I have a girlfriend, who was a great friend to me up until a couple of years ago. We have drifted apart for no other reason then we don't make time for each other. When we do actually get together we have a great time and I wonder why we don't do it more often. We used to talk about being in each other’s weddings however I don't feel as close to her as I used to. Our venue has told us that the head table can accommodate 12 people very nicely ... we have 12 and she would be the 13th. Her significant other, despite holding this position for four years now, won't know anyone and would be forced to sit with strangers. My final concern, and probably my biggest concern, is that if I were to not include her I would feel compelled to talk to her about my reasons why. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

A: First of all you don't owe anyone an explanation for your wedding party selection. I'm sure she also realizes that you two are not as close as you once were. Having said that, I also hear you saying that you do have a great time when you are together and you wish you had more time to devote to your friendship. You obviously have history with this person and can share memories about the times you shared in the past. If the people organizing the head table say it will fit twelve nicely I'm sure they can squeeze in one more body comfortably. I know what I would do but you have to make your own decision. Just remember that this could be a new beginning for the two of you. If it's only about numbers....for goodness sake squeeze her in!!

Best wishes.

Heather

Q: Dear Heather,
I have been a bridesmaid in so many weddings I could not possibly reciprocate by asking all my girlfriends to stand up for me. How can I choose without hurting feelings?

A: If you have a sister or sisters then have them only and none of your girlfriends will think you are playing favourites. Another cute idea is to have flower girls only and no bridesmaids at all.

Q: Hi, I have a huge family consisting of 15 children from the different marriages my parents have had. I am one of the youngest and the only one who speaks to all sides. Unfortunately this means a lot of invitations. My birth parents have not spoken in 24 years, can I book them at the same hotel or should I book two different hotels for two of the different families. How do I manage the day of with both of them wanting to see me? That is, of course, provided my birth father will attend despite my mother's attendance at the wedding. How do I deal with this aspect too? For the first time ever, I hate the fact that I have such a large family!

A: Although your dilemma is not unusual, it always amazes me to see that families can turn a beautiful occasion into a potentially uncomfortable situation or worse.

My advice to you is this:

First of all, no matter what, try to remember that you are very lucky to have so many people who care about you.

Secondly, it is important for you to explain to your family how you feel. I truly believe that honesty is always the best policy. If they understand how difficult they are making things for you, they may attempt to refocus on you and your happiness rather than on silly, petty differences.

If they are reluctant to behave in a supportive and acceptable manner then you may have to get tough. Point out how important this day is to you and that if they really love and care about you they will slap a smile on their faces and tough it out for a few hours...for your sake. These are adults you are talking about right? Surely they can see the benefits of making your day a happy one.

As far as accommodations go, I would offer a choice. Let them stay where they would like. This shows them that you are willing to do what it takes to make them feel comfortable. The question is, are they willing to do the same for you? My guess is that if you are up front with them about what you expect, they'll realize it's not all about them. I think they may feel badly for having caused you undue stress and give you the support and love you deserve.

Good Luck.

Q: Hi Heather:
We are 58 and 60 years old. This is our second wedding for both of us and we both have grown children with spouses (12 altogether) and grandchildren (5) and 1 parent each with spouses. My question is: Who do we buy corsages and boutonnieres for, and should we include also brothers and sisters (18)? It is going to be an evening wedding/reception with 230 guests. Your advice would be very helpful.

Nicole Desjardins

A:Thanks for your question and congratulations.

Usually corsages and boutonnieres are worn by the attendants of the bride and groom as well as their parents, however there are no rules that say you could not include anyone you wish to recognize as a family member.

I would suggest two completely different options.

If you are concerned that the number of corsages and boutonnieres will be too great and too costly then you might consider getting them for your parents and five grandchildren only.

The other option is to include absolutely everyone. What the heck! This is a big night for you. You are very lucky to have so many family members to share your happiness and why not acknowledge them all.

Enjoy!